Thursday, September 16, 2010

How to kill Ram Gopal Varma

I never understood why Lord Balaji refrained from killing RGV after the release of Govinda Govinda. Some research on Hinduism indicated that killing is normally taken care of by Lord Shiva who for obvious reasons is quite pleased with RGV :) Well, only until 2006. I'm puzzled why Lord Shiva has not changed his mind after "Shiva 2006". Probably "protector" Vishnu (a.k.a Balaji) protected him for having made an even worse movie in the name of his counterpart. Gods aside, there could be quite a few people from the film industry who would ponder upon the option of killing RGV. It could be followers of Paritala Ravi for having shown Suri with a six-pack, or the followers of Suri for having not shown Ravi with a receding hairline in Rakta Charitra. Or may be the fans of some actor who just assume that the person with tonsured head depicted in the movie is their matinee idol. Considering the broadmindedness of people, the reasons could be even less serious. It could very well be a disgruntled TFI director whose name was included in the director-bashing song in his latest film "Katha-Screenplay-Darshakatvam:Appalraju" or may be a thoroughly eligible director whose name was not included in the song :-) Above all, the impulsive reaction of any individual after watching "RGV KI AAG" would be to kill him. In fact, most of us wanted to torture him in an unimaginable way before killing him after stepping out of the theater. And there are dozens/hundreds or more of people who watched the film :-) After all "Prateekarame Parama Sopaanam" (Quoted in Mahabharatha, Cited in Raktha Charitra). Some how, quite miraculously, RGV survives, triumphs and continues to bombard people with his partly brilliant and completely gibberish movies.

The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that RGV cannot be killed. I am in the industry and I can feel his presence everywhere. I come across number of wannabe directors and technicians who cite him as their inspiration. And there are countless number of nameless/faceless bloggers and internet jockeys who root for him. His admirers claim that he single-handedly changed the course of Tollywood ever since he made Shiva in 1989, and that Telugu cinema promptly returned to the pre-RGV mould once he left the scene. I do not have substantial counter-argument to raise my voice about this, Though I still want to kill RGV.

When it comes to the song on TFI directors. Many claim that the song is a light-hearted attempt and starts of taking a dig at RGV himself. One needs lots of guts for Self-Deprecating and to laugh at himself. Not everyone can poke fun at themselves as part of good hearted humor. And looks like RGV once again has set the trend in terms of openness and opening up more genres. With this act, I might be a little convinced and so might be the directors of TFI. But somehow i still have this niggling feeling within me to kill him.

I then see all these TV channels making an issue out of Raktha Charitra. They start predicting how people would react after watching the movie without even watching the trailer. He is a film maker after all and has the every right to make films on the subjects that impress him or inspire him. If RGV has to be killed for making Raktha Charitra, so has to be with Richard Attenborough for "Gandhi (1982)" or Rajkumar Santoshi for "The legend of Bhagath Singh (2002)". Here am not talking about heroes or leaders but about characters or stories that inspire a maker to film them. The rationalist in me wants to side with RGV. How can someone protest against something without even knowing what it is ? Why can't they wait till the release of the film ? I think every Tom, Dick and Harry wants to steal the limelight just by using up RGV. Love him or Hate him but people cannot stop talking about him. Is this RGVs charm and charisma that make TV channels deliberately dish out more and more stories on him ? I'm not sure. I would really hate to believe all this or may be I just have to believe.

May be RGV is not a person but a persona. Upon further retrospection, I begin to question my anguish against Aag. As a viewer I have every right to ridicule and reject Aag. My anguish was worth a few hundred hard earned rupees and few hours of my time. I begin to wonder how much longer RGV would have spent in brainstorming, grooming the script, talking to people and convince three national award winning actors to act in the movie. And am sure RGV never intended to make a shoddy remake of Indian Cinema's greatest hit. Probably its just an idea gone amiss for reasons that no person on this planet could possibly explain ? Yet again, I do not have an answer. I do not feel like killing him anymore. Because it just may not be possible.

You can kill a person but not his ideas. "Aadmi ko Marne se Soch nahi Martha" (as quoted in SARKAR). How true !

RGV has gone past the point where he is a normal human. He is a persona, an influence, a thought process and kind of a renaissance. To cut-short the story, I may never be able to kill RGV, now i really think the idea of killing him would be absurd. To me RGV is immortal.

If anyone reading this post of mine is still interested in killing RGV, I might have a few pointers. You really don't have to waste a bullet, or a kg of RDX, or money hiring a professional killer. I have observed him very closely over the past five, six years. Be it morning, noon, evening or midnight, he talks only cinema. He eats and drinks cinema for sure, though I choose to maintain my dignified silence about the sleeping part :) He's like a "One Tera Hertz ulti-multi-tasking processor" continuously thinking, texting, mailing, tweeting, doodling and scribbling while talking to people and even while directing his movies. Looking at his processing speed and memory capability, i think he can beat out shankar's robo and become ROBO Gopal Varma. Based on the intelligence I gathered from his behavioral patters over the years, I think the only way to kill RGV is to isolate him from his only love i.e, Movies. He should be sent to the Jungle where he shot Agyaath where there is no access to any bloody thing, or, even better, RGV should be locked down in a fully furnished house with all amenities except for anything related to media and communications. No paper, no pen, no movies, no books, no blackberry, no twitter no nothing. And most importantly no one around with even a remote connection or knowledge about cinema. If executed correctly, this would be the best way to kill RGV. However, if the plan goes wrong, the results could be catastrophic. Upon coming out, RGV would come up with something we dread the most. Yes, a movie based on his own experiences in that ill-connected house using weird angles, scary close-ups and ghostly-ghastly shadows. And it does not stop there. He would continue to make a sequel if the movie becomes a hit and rename it with a different title if it flops. You can neither run nor hide.

Finally... had there been no RGV, there would not be tacky movies, whacky storylines, bold interviews, funny comments, exciting TV channel stories, controversies (lots of them), unpredictable blog, predictable reactions and unedited reactions to reactions. Without RGV, it would have never occurred to me to write this and all you bummers from across the world would not read this useless senseless "simply sodhi" of mine about a person who makes equally bad movies. Enough of reading and go get your cup of tea or a mug of beer if handy :)

35 comments:

Unknown said...

your article impressed RGV..
congrats bro!!!

lines from RGV blog..
"I was really touched with this following mail I got from an anonymous person who obviously knows me or has worked with me or may be working with me."

Unknown said...

any way very well written...
simply-sodhi kaadhu..
simply-superb...
:)
i think now you may try ur luck in writing department also... :)

Chaitanya Dantuluri said...

Brilliant, this post proves how sharp a writer you are bro. i am still very much impressed though i knew it before you posted here. and i still personally feel that you should have posted first and then showed it to the immor(t)al robo gopal varma..:)

chaitu said...

bro no words... boss ke life time acheivement award icchav.

bonda0123 said...

Hey Bhanu,

Just when we are missing you on twitter/facebook, Ur back with a bang! Awesome one buddy! too cool :D

photriya venky said...

this ...super...brilliant....

aBhiShEk said...

Fantastic write up!

For a moment I thought its RGV's alter ego who wrote this!

Too much undi! Way to go bro!

Cheers

Advertising GANGSTER said...

GODFATHER......

mindblowing sir...simply superb... no words...i understood with this BLOG that ur trying to kill HIS ideas NOT him.....

Madhura Sreedhar Reddy said...

Bhanu...Great one....! enjoyed reading it...nee article chadhavadam ayipothunna time lo maa office boy naa chethi lo tea pettaadu... Nice coincidence....

Sandeep Reddy said...

Looking at his processing speed and memory capability, I think he can beat out Shankar’s Robo and become ROBO Gopal Varma.. This line H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S....

ramu said...

Fantastic write up!bro.highly superb

pavan said...

man just its not sodhi but an epic way of telling the world about ramu awesome

Anand said...

good writing bhanu...! very well formed... :) proud of u...
but i hope u r not one of those toms, dicks & harrys...
:( i forgot d comment dat came to my head wen u were writing this blog...

okka chinna doubt... 'how can anyone kill a 'bhooth'?'

Kamal Krishna said...

You told me that you were writing something like this.. but this is sooooo better then what i imagined.
This is classic.
Initial part seemed like you were kicking his but... then mid way seemed like u were kissing his ass, then by the end, it was all perfect. Really well written.
Dont be surprised if ramu's gonna ask u to write something for him in the near future :)

Shailu said...
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Shailu said...
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Naveen said...

One amazing article.. simply loved it bro! way to go...

Shailu said...

thoroughly enjoyed reading ur post..keep surprising us !

Sudheer Varma said...

bhanu lovely post. u forgot to mention abt his second interest after films.... WOMEN

Chikky said...

Are re ree.... asalu emana rasnava... kekooo keka...
RGV might be astonished by your writings... You were able to describe his entire career in a single blog!! good for a script writer... Try for it bava!!

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

After reading the entire post on "How To Kill RGV".

I would like to write a sequel of your post naming "After RGV Death"

And i want to put the changes that happens in movie land.

Film Industry:-Nothing happens in the way they do their movies because still
producers/Directors love to make movies like DDL,KKKG,HAHK,KHNH,ABCD,
EFGH,IJKL....and so on.Some directors may get influenced by the death
of RGV and stops their creation part aside with immediate effect and works on
sacred and non-risky projects like "SATYA SAI -The Etrenal Love" or "JAI HO-We The Indians"
or "PYAR KIYA THO MARNA KYA-A Real Story happened at Allahabad Railway Station"

Critics:-I say they loose their jobs.Because most of them make their
bread on people like RGV.Now their creative genius in watching movies
with the only motive to kill it by reviewing point to point which
director/script writer would not have that points neither in their
scripts nor in their minds at the time of filming.

Devils/Booths:-They loose their identity completely and people starts ignoring them
from their lives.when their is no cause of fear i hope there would be no fear.People will watch
their movies irrespective of their ages.So when we enter in to theaters we can watch a game in
the first half.And indians beating pakistanis with one goal/run at the end of second half and
can move outside of theatre watching the final titles with great patriotic feel flowing in our
minds.

Creative Writers:-They will start their earning with sammosas as they have lot of script papers
pending in their bags which can be converted in to a tissue paper under each samosa.So i hope they
can make more money from somosa business then in films where they get very few chances.Hopefully
one in a year.

Media:-Media will enjoy the ratings on the day of RGV's death by keeping on scrooling His ups and Downs
as director and producer.Followed by a first movie song like 'Botani pata vundi' or Scene like
Nagarjuna rolling a cycle chain over his hand.But later they again starts with their regular
bread earners like 'State Partition Issues' or 'Rahul Gandhi The Next PM' Live Shows.

Characters:-Stardom of GREAT ARTISTES kills characters without mercy by keeping huge sets,colorful
props,Awful dailogues and beautiful girls screaming around one gay(sorry guy) saying 'Hum pehle kyom
nahi mila'.Now we will have plenty of 'Tut tha huva taras' & 'sachi pyar dil me rehta hai' kind of
dailogues.

Producers/Distributors:-They will be the happiest persons in this world because they have get rid
of the only director who always says 'i cant guarantee the success' now they can make movies with
the so called directors who knows audience pulses and producers wallets,Who also gives disasters
without pre-warning their producers about the creative classics they do.

Audience(of creatively uncreative type):-They will not bother or think about RGV's Death,Because they have their
kinds of films running around the theaters for which they are very happy.We must respect them for the same.

Audience(of uncreatively creative type):-This kind of people starts weeping like anything because they only watch
one or two movies in a year.They also feel that they became orphans in this higly creative and intellectual world.
And We should pity them for the same.

Anonymous said...

God:-God has no time to think of RGV's Death as he already knows and has also prepared a voilent list of punishments
and is enjoying very much to repay him(RGV) for all the tortures he(RGV) created to him(GOD) on earth.

Silence:-Silence will commit suicide After hearing the news of RGV's Death as it has no scope of living at all.It re-borns again
as unpredicatble sound and starts fucking the audience mind in terms of more fun.

Success:-Success redefines its name with statistics/barriers like No. of audience watching cinema at the time of second week morning show interval time
and first week second show audience talk.

Failure:-Failure will be deleted from the dictionary of INDIAN CINEMA.And it is a valid decision because without RGV
There is no meaning for failure.So All films through out 365*24 we will be having BLOCK BUSSTERS
& SUPER HITS.

sasi rajasimha said...

u killed us

Prabhu's Blog said...
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Prabhu's Blog said...

Simply Superb!!!!!!Robo Gopal Varma!!!!!! Hilarious,,,,Good one bhanu,,,,,Keep em coming

Vamsee said...

Read your blog..like it.

Unknown said...

Awesome Write up cheers buddy keep up the good work....

Sree Harsha said...

Very well written - Entertaining :)

Unknown said...

Excellent Bhanu, good post

Unknown said...

Without RGV, this blog wouldn't have happened, and I would have missed such great fun, early in the morning! Love the ROBO Varma part! And the writing style is simply "WOW"!!! Keep the blogs going and SMSes pouring!

Unknown said...

Excellent write up Bhanu...

yes we can clearly differentiate Telugu film industry before N after RGV.

Unknown said...

Bhanu..u..ROCKKKK!

"BLOG WITH AN INTENT"..you said it ALL...

Awesome.

Krishna Saagar Rao said...

Just realized your other dimension...was always wondering what's behind this silent man :-) lot of potential....way to go.

srujana raavi said...

Simply Superb Bhanu gaaru....