Bhanu gaadi sodhi kaburlu...

I am dead...

All those things, all those places and all those memories, which over a period of time have constantly evoked changing spectrum of emotions in me, are now perceived to be lifeless. I am struggling to recollect how I was, as a young kid? How I used to love everyone for no reason, How I always said whatever I wanted to say without caring about the consequences, But I guess my innocence was long murdered by me, my parents and my teachers… As soon as I was introduced to this world of lies, and then mastered it to escape the hardships starting from school to nowhere, where I stand today.

I was never happy with the so-called diplomatic skills in my teens, then with time I slowly mastered them, and I learned to say things, which will only please others. I would shut my mouth if it would be paradoxical. But I realized slowly and gradually, that I was changing myself into something new called “NOself”. This NOself altered myself just to feed the craving, a craving to be called and to be known as Good!!! But I was missing being good to myself.

I lived with this NOself for nearly a decade or two, and then I realized frustrations were building up in pleasing the people around me, and I got an impression that people were expecting me to react only in a meticulous manner. In-fact even when they ask for my opinion, they don't want to hear anything damaging from me, that’s where I realized i was loosing my ALL SELF's, as it got to a point where every one around me wants me to live my life as they desire.

These displeasures kept on incrementing, and I guess NOself found a way by itself in dealing with them, as it has already killed the "one" self in itself which could have let these feelings out, and the only way left to myself was to ignore everything and anything, and i didn't realize the extent of it till recently.

At times i have no feelings of fear, concern, frustration or irritation towards anything that's happening to me or my dear ones, and then i understood, maybe i turned immune, i read somewhere long back that "Too much pain will either kill you or will make you immune", and i guess its working on me this way, too many disturbances made me not to react to any.

From outspoken innocent to arrogant to diplomatic soft spoken to a void, which doesn't have any reactions to any damn thing, like a life less thing or a dead being…

I am void, I am dead. DOT